Ceteris Paribus
by Beer Good
Summary: Season rewrite in 15 rather silly drabbles. In canon, Buffy and Willow are Psychology majors. Isn't it funny how that echoes in a lot of what happens in season 4? Let's look at how the season would have turned out if they'd picked a different subject.


**Title:** Ceteris Paribus (All Else Being Equal)  
**Author:** Beer Good  
**Fandom:** _Buffy_, season 4  
**Word Count:** 1500 (15 100-word drabbles)  
**Rating:** PG13  
**Author's note:** Anyone attempting to take this as serious politics will be shot... er, glared at.

* * *

**Buyer Beware**

"What about economics?" Willow thumbed through the USC catalog. "It's fun, a-and you can use it as your social science requirement. Anyway, Professor Walsh is supposed to be great. She's, like, world-renowned."

"Economics?" Buffy frowned. "Cooking, cleaning and stuff?"

"That's home economics. Whole different kettle of fish, in that home ec has kettles of fish and economics has consumer behavior and prices and interest rates."

"So we'd be shopping? For credit? Cool."

"Kinda. Shopping theory. Allocation of resources and so on."

Behind them, a vampire dug his way out of his grave, saw their weapons and quickly made himself scarce.

**

* * *

How I Wrote Elastic Demand**

"These are things we want," Professor Walsh lectured. "Comfort, sex, shelter, food, brand new shoes. We always want them and we want them all the time. But since they're not free and our resources are limited, we prioritize." She drew a sloping curve on the blackboard. "A demand isn't _what_ we want, but _how much_ of it we want at a given price – what we're willing to give up for it. And where there's a demand, the market forces create a supply."

"I thought the Mayor built this town for demons?" Buffy whispered to Willow.

"Yup. We're a public good."

**

* * *

Inferior Goods**

"I've enjoyed talking to you. Here. Tonight," Parker said sincerely, gazing into Willow's eyes.

"Me too. I mean, with you. You know, I'm wondering something. About you."

"What?"

Willow grinned. "Just how cheap do you think I am? This isn't something valuable! Yeah, that's right, I've got your number, Giffen boy. I swear, it's all supply and demand with you men. The second you see a set of curves, all you can think about is getting your equilibrium on."

Then three frat boys who had been turned into Ayn Rand fans by magic beer tried to blow up the coffeeshop.

**

* * *

Raygunomics**

"I'm sure you'll understand if I seem far from happy." Maggie Walsh glared at her troops. "Hostile 17's found an accomplice who's smart, aggressive, and somehow escapes description?"

Forrest, Graham and Riley shuffled awkardly. "Whoever he was, the guy was big." "Strong, too." "Whoever... or _what_ever?"

Walsh wasn't impressed. "I'm not interested in guess work, gentlemen. Call me old-fashioned. I like results. This report reads like a child's riddle book. Agent Finn, tell me something good. My incentive plan?"

"The plan works. A masterpiece of behavioral economics, Ma'am. Hostile 17 has realized that harming another living soul is simply... unprofitable."

**

* * *

Home Economics After All**

"No." Xander shook his head emphatically. "Also uh-uh, negatory, not on your life, and nope. I've worked hard for that basement. It took me years of meticulously planned failure to get there. I am _not_ sharing it with Spike."

"Pleeeease?" Willow and Buffy made Bambi eyes at him. "Giles has had him for weeks, and we can't keep him in our dorm room."

"Here's a novel thought: why don't we just stake him?"

"He's harmless. He won't bite anyone. Besides, he has information we need."

" Like what?"

Willow looked embarrassed. "Well... we have this paper on the industrial revolution..."

**

* * *

Scrooge McDuck**

Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring" played on the boom box. WHO ARE THE GENTLEMEN? read Giles' first slide. THEY ARE MEDIÆVAL MONSTERS. WHAT DO THEY WANT? HEARTS.

WHY HEARTS? Buffy wrote on her board.

Giles produced a slide of a treasure chest full of hearts.

Anya rolled her eyes in a way that somehow managed to convey _Oh please. What's the point of amassing wealth only to keep it? Capital needs to be invested and circulated, not hoarded._

Willow nodded and wrote MERCANTILISM FAIL.

Giles once again pointed at "MEDIÆVAL."

Later that night, Buffy and Riley kissed for the first time.

**

* * *

Regression Analysis**

In room 314, Maggie Walsh paced back and forth. "If she wants a fight, we'll give her one. Won't we, Adam? I've worked too long to let some little bitch threaten this project. Threaten _me_. Once she's gone, Riley will understand. It's for the optimal good. Remove the complication and when she least expects it - "

She cried out as something grabbed her heart, crushing it in her chest. She turned around and saw the father of modern economics standing behind her. "Adam...?" she gasped with her last breath.

Adam Smith pulled his invisible hand from her back. "Mommy."

**

* * *

It's A Fort Knox Life**

"That's the thing about a coma." Faith uncrossed her arms. "You wake up rested and rejuvenated, and ready for payback. With interest."

"Nominal or real?" Buffy asked.

Faith didn't turn around as Willow snuck up behind her. "You know, B, you took one hell of a risk when you tried to kill me – try it, Red, and I'll compound your face. So my question is: was the reward worth it? 'Cause I don't see Angel around anywhere."

Before they re-established their usual fixed violence exchange rate, the cops showed up and Faith took off. "I hate Slayer surpluses," Willow muttered.

**

* * *

It Depends**

"Vampires are a paradox," Adam Smith mused. "Being soulless, you only care about yourselves, yet you hunt in faceless packs, creating a market in perfect competition where no one vampire has a comparative advantage, margins approach zero, and the humans can substitute you for other monsters. I can change that. I will help you create a monopoly where you can utilize your economies of scale to maximize profits."

"Does any of this make sense to you?" one vampire whispered to his colleague.

"He just ripped Rick's head clean off his body. But you go ahead and interrupt if you want."

**

* * *

Gross Demonic Product**

"Ewww."

"That's pretty much my reaction too. Ewww."

Willow, Xander and Buffy looked up at the Polgara demon who'd been gutted and strung up in a tree.

"Well, look at the bright side. At least Adam Smith is helping us kill demons," said Xander.

"I'm not sure that's a good sign. Look." Buffy pointed at the puddle of black blood coagulating on the ground under the demon.

"Oh God. Not good." Willow shook her head.

Xander gave them a funny look. "Am I missing something here? Him bleeding demons dry is bad because...?"

Buffy nodded gravely. "He's discovered trickle-down theory."

**

* * *

Laissez-Faire**

"There's 'woo', and there's 'hoo'. But there's 'uh-oh', and 'why now', and... it's complicated."

Buffy frowned. "Why complicated?"

Willow steeled herself. "I've been spending a lot of time with Tara lately, and... um... remember how Xander giggled when we tried to explain about _homo economicus_?"

"Oh... you mean… _Oh_." Buffy got up and started pacing nervously. "Well, that's great, Will. Tara's a really great girl, Will. And obviously you have to maximize your utility, Will, a-and distribute your..."

Willow cracked a shy smile. "OK, you need to take a deep breath before you start quizzing me on the input-output model."

**

* * *

Human Development Index**

"That's Adam's plan? Kill all demons and turn everyone into a vampire?" Riley wasn't impressed. "Sounds a little obvious, doesn't it?"

Giles nodded. "And there's the Davros effect: why would billions of vampires need him?"

"Don't you see?" Willow said. "He's creating a hyperinflation of vampires. Vampires feed on humans. Once everyone's a vampire, you'd need a wheelbarrow full of vampires to... I mean the purchasing power of each vamp would be zero, and Adam Smith would control the world. We need..." She had an idea. "Ooh, Buffy, do you still have that curved sickle thing you got in LA?"

**

* * *

A Capital Plan**

The spell required a worker (Xander), a college intellectual (Willow), an armed faction (Buffy), and someone who could speak German. So it was Giles who got to read the invocation.

_"Arbeiter aller Länder, vereinigt euch!"_

In the lab below the Initiative, Buffy started glowing bright red and went on the offense. Adam Smith desperately tried to regain the advantage, but it was like fighting a whole army.

The red Slayer parried each blow from his invisible hand with her warhammer. Then she swung the sickle in a low arc between Adam Smith's legs and... um... socialized his means of production.

**

* * *

The Restless Consumer**

After waking from the dream, they sat down in the kitchen.

Willow shuddered. "...The First. Wow."

"Big with the socialization," Xander said.

"And the beard. Definitely finished with the stubbly."

Giles nodded. "Somehow our union with Buffy was an affront to the source of that power. Or an encouragement, whichever is worse."

"Y'know, you could have brought that up before we did it," Buffy teased.

"I did. I said there could be dire consequences."

Joyce walked in, yawning. "I'm guessing I missed some fun?"

"The spirit of Karl Marx tried to make us establish a proletarian dictatorship in our dreams."

**

* * *

Epilogue**

Buffy gently laid the wounded monk down by the fence.

"My journey's done, I think," he smiled.

"Don't get metaphory on me. We're going to the hospital. How's your health insurance?"

"No... is too late. You must... protect..." He was fading fast. "The Beast wants free reign. Cut throats. Is inefficient. Energy... needed to redistribute... My brethren... we had to hide it. Made it human. Sent it to you."

Buffy gasped. "Dawn?"

"She's not... your sister... she's..." He coughed. "Key..."

"She's _what_?"

The monk was on his last lungful. "She's... John Maynard Keynes."

"That's it," Buffy groaned. "I'm dropping out."


End file.
